On this cool rainy morning I ponder a few thoughts… as I listen to the rain fall on all the surfaces outside my studio door. A melody of different tones and rhythms fill my ears and dance. The faint sound of a wind chime and then...
a screech from an irritated crow.
What is going on with me?
How can I journal today and keep to the intention of this blog:
“A positive, creative and intentional journal in my adventures of becoming me”.
I have noticed that I allow myself to elaborate in great detail certain things that I feel safe to share and then I only elude to others in a language that is really only decipherable by me and a few intimates or extremely intuitive souls. This is a pattern that I have had for many years. At the moment I don’t believe I have that large of a reading audience for this to be a big issue. It is only pertinent to me.
I believe that every action causes a ripple … a “butterfly effect”. Everything I think, say or do… matters … no matter if anyone else thinks so or not.
I am recalling a conversation I had many years ago with a neighbor. Knowing Tom and myself it would be safe to say that it was probably more of a heated debate than a conversation. I don’t recall what the actual topic was. I only remember a statement he made during the debate. He said “Debbie, you are too naive”. I remember recoiling in anger, mixed with sadness. It wasn’t my vanity that made me angry.
I had optimistic ideals. I knew where I was headed. I didn’t want to believe that my vision was “wrong”. Thus seeds of doubt were cultivated and eventually propagated.
This would become a “life changing” point in my interpretation of life. Or should I say how I perceived myself (a left brained thought) and how I would navigate through life. I think that up to that point I was very much a right brained thinker… connected, optimistic and I had an abundant faith in humanity. I do not blame Tom or anyone else; no one has that kind of power over another. It is my power alone to give away. It was an accumulation of many experiences.
I think that I made the final migration to my left brain and disconnected when my mother “died”. I was 22 and she was 44. I am the oldest of 4 siblings. We were 22, 20, 11 & 9 when she died. Wow, I will be 44 when my daughter is 11, next year.
Numbers were my mom’s thing… she was a math major. I suppose that is one of the reasons she and my high school sweetheart got along so well. It use to drive me crazy … I stunk at math and they would try and help me… and I would get so frustrated because it was so obvious to them and so foreign to me. I may not be a math head but the numbers definitely catch my attention here. I do not perceive this in a doom and gloom sort of way. I merely see it as a message, a “sign” if you will that I need to “pay attention”, wake up and get with it.
No fear… as I write this I am consumed with an overwhelming intuition that if the 2012 prophecy is “true” then this transition will be a shift in consciousness not the “end of the world”. I realize that if I post this on my blog… there is a chance that I will ring a bell that can’t be un- rung… “Debbie has lost it” and I may lose whatever credibility I may have had within my community or peers. This is the chance that I am willing to take. However, I believe that most people have many of the same thoughts and intuitions that I have, they are just to afraid to admit them openly for fear of judgment within their profession, church, school, community and family of origin or that they simply think that no one wants to hear it. Then I guess there is that small tinge of fear of being committed.
Wonder where that random thought came from?
I continue to write…
There are many things that are going on for me right now… I really don’t even know where to start… yikes… I guess I already have.
I am “oober” excited about where my passions are taking me. I am in a place of trust most of the time. However that darkness… creeps in occasionally… do you know it? …doubt, self-worth, fear of being consumed by emotion. I guess that maybe these things are keeping me weighted to the ground at the moment. If I did not have these anchors I would probably be swept away by the momentum of my awakening. Something I read Sunday spoke of how some bees will pick up a pebble during a storm to help keep them balanced as they fly. I can truly see the similarity and symbolism.
These economic, political and environmental changes that our world is “struggling” in definitely have had a profound effect on me and my family of origin. One or more of my family members have lost at least one of these: their job, insurance, home, vehicle, town, hope, health, faith or “friends”. There are many others who have had similar experiences. You may be one of them or you may know people who have.
These past few years have offered many major shifts and created some fearful moments for my family. However I feel blessed. I have been given a wonderful gift. I have been given an opportunity to re-prioritize my life. I have been “evolving” over the years but recently the evolution has left me with some serious growing pains. Rapid change will do that. Some of these changes may leave some visible reminders… kinda like … stretch marks. I no longer see these things as “losses” I see them as stepping stones to another path. It is not always easy to see this while I am neck deep in it. It is like being in quicksand, the more I struggle the faster I sink. It is when I stop struggling and accept where I am that I am able to be in a place of trust, hope and happiness no matter what may be swirling around me.
I made a reference in my last post about a sibling and my beat-up
“Strength” and“Hope” willow angels…
This is the deal…
Some may feel that this is not my story to tell. It is my belief that every choice we make affects the lives of those around us regardless of how trivial it may seem at the time or how monumental. The choices we make then become part of someone else’s story.
My youngest sibling … my little “Bugga Bear” has taken a path that I can not follow. Not if I wish to continue on my journey. He like so many… has struggled with drug addiction since he was very young. I cannot imagine what it would have been like to loose our mother at his age. I can only speak for my own journey. And some of it isn’t pretty and I hurt people along the way. It is part of who I am, not an excuse to be something other than what I am intended to become.
About a year ago he tried to committee suicide. For many years I tried to prepare myself for “the phone call.” But like the death of a loved one with a terminal illness nothing prepares you for the reality of that moment when it comes. I can not begin to tell you the “thoughts” and emotions I went through that evening and early morning as I sat in that emergency room with him. Until that moment I did not know that my heart had the capacity to hold that much anger, compassion, sadness, fear and love all at one time. Please when you read this do not feel pity… sympathy or empathy yes… but please no pity. For this horrific action set into motion a series of events that I can not view as anything less that divine.
He was committed and came out to attempt a go at “recovery” only to relapse and enter back into a rehab under his own admission. He entered into a “program” and was “clean” for about six months when he was diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma. There are many other details but then I would be telling his story not mine.
Now, in the case you don’t already know this… my mother fought a long hard battle with cancer but ultimately lost the war after 6 years.
We rallied together with an intensity that our family is notorious for after finding out the news of my brother's cancer.
This is not always a good thing. But, it is what it is. I am still amazed by the bond we all have rekindled, and do not regret it in the least. We choose the families we are born into, I believe.
My brother’s drug of choice is an opiate… and I only tell you this because after surgery he is put on some serious pain killers… and sent home with several healthy prescriptions of narcotics knowing full well his “history”. I will leave it to you, to figure out what the next outcome is.
The family was relieved and riding the train of optimism with the news that the doctors felt they had gotten all the cancer and we had for the time being won the battle.
Everyone sets off on there way in their separate directions except the OBX caravan.
Now, the purest form of synthetic heroine is pumping through my brothers veins. I don’t care how much recovery you have this is a sanctioned express ride to relapse. It isn’t surprising how quickly the support dissipates when the drama of the “battle” is over, even if the war is far from over. This is no one’s fault… it simply is the way it is.
He chooses to opt out of treatment. He drifts back to some of his old ways. A domino effect begins and he has an excuse for all of it. He lives only 2 miles from me yet he seems to be a galaxy away.
Why should anyone be surprise or disappointed in him. I know this logically… yet it doesn’t make watching this downward spiral easier. This is his life and he must choose how he wants to live in it or die in it. However he is my little “Bugga Bear” the gentlest, most caring, sensitive soul I have ever known… the soul he was born to be… not this wreckage of a vessel he is at the moment.
This is where I am at present… my own personal journey…it is filled with abundance and great joy. Wonderful things are springing to life for me… it is contagious… I want to share it with the world or at least anyone willing to read my blog, sit and chat or answer a phone call.
I can not make the choices for my loved ones… they must make them on their own. I can give them the dignity to come to their own “truth” and awareness in their own time. I can love them unconditionally and at the same time set up healthy boundaries for myself and “my” family. This does not excommunicate anyone from my life.
He is still my brother and I am here to share my love and abundance with him. Unfortunately, I suffer from an emotional hangover after I spend time with him.
So to make a long blog short … I am suffering from acute growing pains and an emotional hangover.
Now drink two pots of coffee, a walk on the beach and call me in the morning!
I would like to share some book that I have read over the years:
I believe that books find you...
as the saying goes...
"When the student is ready the teacher will arrive"