The "Wordy" Part II

Yesterday I let the cat out of the bag.

And put it out there that we have decided to move.

The Real Dirt

Me

But, first I will share this speaker with you that I ran across a couple months ago on 


TED

 

Being Human, Well!


I have to tell you guys this.

And you might say 

What?

You?

Well, this is it:

I have  serious intimacy issues!
Yep, me!

I know that for most of you folks who have met me in one stage of my life or another may think...

"Dang, Debbie

you will strike up a conversation with a perfect stranger and tell them the most personal things about your life and never blink an eye.  

And now you are a Blogger!"


Well, the thing is ...
I will let out only so much,
just about to "that" point.
You know the point...
the one that sets off the bells and whistles 
screaming...
"Danger, Danger...
someone might actually get to know the "real you"
and see the sham.


Call you out and say:


"I've been hood-winked!"
"You are a terrible person"
"Your NOT enough"
"You are a lie!"


Then I will reel it back in.
I know that there are some valid safety issues here.
There are people out there who WILL try to chew you up and spit you out.


But I don't want to be chained by fear.
I am
but I don't want to be!


This is why I have tried to focus on my authentic self and intention.


The last year or more have been down right revolutionary for me.
Up til then I was consumed with what 
"people"
thought of me, even when I thought for sure I didn't.
(I still do to a certain point... it is in my DNA)


I stopped drinking over 8 years ago and this significantly changed how I interacted with people on many levels.
Both on my part and how others related to me.
I guess I thought I needed to reinvent myself.
And in a way I did...
except I didn't realize then that what I really was doing was reintroducing myself to 
ME.
There was never anything "wrong" with me in the first place.
The me underneath all the BS was perfect the way God intended.


I am an accumulation of ALL my experiences.
I protected myself the best way I knew how when those who should have didn't, wouldn't or couldn't.


But I am an adult now and I am only a victim in this game of Life if I allow myself to be.


I choose my own destiny.
I hold the brush to my 
Masterpiece!
And God is my muse.


I am grateful for my time spent in the PTA...
as a Girl Scout Leader,
Faith Formation Teacher,
Sponsee,
Sponsor and the smiling, happy acquaintanceship to all.


But I have to also say...
I am done with 
much of it,
I must have had an expectation connected to all my volunteer hats
otherwise why would I have felt so let down and abandoned when 
my life as I knew it, began to unravel.


I know better now...
it wasn't unraveling,
it was becoming less complicated.
It is ALL about the journey and the time SHARED with others.
If I can not see God in every moment spent with another human, living being or in my daily activities
then what is the point?
Most people don't feel the same and it is not my job to persuade them to either.  Most of us can not see what we are not ready to see.  Even when there are NEON lights flashing.  It is my task to practice the art of love and "acceptance".  Much easier in theory than in action   However, when I run across those of like minds...
it is profound!
I don't have this down exactly yet...
it too is a work in progress.  
The key is taking care of 
ME.


And I do mean this in the most selfish sort of way.
It all will go to sh*# if I don't put me first.
For too long, 
I have let me go.
I mean this both figuratively and literally.
I am exactly where I need to be though.
I have needed every grueling, dark, uncomfortable bit of it.
I have been given an opportunity to remove a lot of my distractions and get a much clearer perspective of my life and what is really important to 
ME.
Not the world,
not society as a whole,
not my family of origin, 
not for anyone else,
 just for me and my daughter.
"Sorry Bill, I love ya ... 
but you'r a grown man and a deserve the dignity to make your own decisions"


And it has been an eye opening adventure.


I am NOT a camelon...
I don't have to change who I am to fit my environment and I also don't need to smash my head against a wall to change my environment either.


There is a hole for every peg... otherwise where did the peg come from?
I plan to find mine!


One of my typical modi operandi  was to run away...
pick up and go... 
I called it my itchy feet.


Which makes this move very scary for me.


"Fight or Flight"
don't get me wrong I rarely give up an opportunity for a good fight.
A verbal fight that is.


My Dad use to say...
"You will make a good lawyer some day!"


Hmmm...
I don't think so!
Though, I can do anything I want to if I set my mind to it...
(thanks, Mom!)


I am starting to get a little teary thinking about how my mom use to tell me that she always dreamed of living on a farm one day with her sheep dog.
Well it seems that here I am at the age 44,
the same age as my mom when she passed away ...
I choose to LIVE
and to live my dream!




So for me it is... 


Back to Basics








 &
Farm Living
 








I just ordered these used books for Bill and I. 
It is probably a bit of over kill.
Most of it is probably information I already know but I have never had my own 
FARM!
I like having a point of reference at my finger tips other than the 
World Wide Webb.
Plus I just have a thing for
Books!
Time to sort through that book shelf again and make some room.


I have been asked...
Where do you plan to go?


And my honest response is
I don't know yet.


We have looked at many virtual properties on
Zillow, United Country, Realtor.com, and some 
FSOB sites.
However, there is nothing like getting out there and seeing, feeling and smelling the land in person.




We don't really care where our "home"is...
as long as it has land to take care of us and for us to reciprocate.


We don't want a mortgage
or a water bill.


It would be nice to be completely off grid but the reality of that is highly unlikely at first.


It will give us something to work towards.

I may not get that sheep dog my mom always wanted...
but I will have the sheep & alpaca!
And maybe a guard donkey!


Grumpy, Houdini and ?

update 
the mysterious third red alpaca...
I have discovered that his name is Cone.


So from left to right we have
Grumpy, Houdini and Cone.