Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Road Signs Ahead



In Between



I can't believe it has been almost a month since I last blogged!

!!!WOW!!!

It has become such a regular part of my routine that I don't feel complete if I have not been in my blog space.

For the first time in a very long time I have not over committed myself with a million major responsibilities.
And I have gotten much better about
"shoulding" on myself.
I have removed many of my former hats and am trying to focus on
"me"

Shew...
this can be some very creepy territory sometimes.
That means that when I have "issues"
I hit them head on
and feel them full strength.

My typical mode of operandi of days gone by were ...
(and some are still works in progress)

excessive crowded activities,
alcohol,
drugs,
taking everyone's inventory minus my own...
food,
"looking for bread at the hardware store"...
more food,
over commitment,
setting unrealistic goals and expectations for myself and others,
having expectations in general...
lack of personal boundaries,
"people pleasing"
too much fun,
not enough fun,
fear, fear and more fear.
and then more food!

This list could go on and on.  To put things in a nutshell...
DISTRACTIONS!

Anything to keep me from feeling how uncomfortable I was in my own skin...
to avoid my emotions...
to numb, mask or medicate
to keep myself separated from people, myself and "God".

After my daughter was born, I began to "clean house."
I started to remove some of the "clutter" in my life.

I hope that you find the irony in my symbolism.

I actively worked to remove some of the more obvious "distractions" from my life.

As I do this, I have come to realize that...
I have disturbed some very old deeply rooted FEARS.

I still struggle with some of these distractions...
some more than others.

But this I now know,
"never pick a 'green' gourd afore it's time, or it'll witch ye fer sure"...

It's all part of the "BIG PICTURE"...
every stinking, sticky, icky part of it!

No matter how I choose to respond or react to what life presents to me...
it is all connected and it's ALL...
significant.



Most of my "Crazies"  are self inflicted.
So, fortunately I get to choose when I can come back to the land of  "milk and honey".

This is some of what I have been "up to".



At the beginning of the month we had our annual school fundraiser.




I was part of this fundraiser in it's conception, however, I relinquished my position and allowed it to gone on with out me.
And you know what?
It did!
I showed up with my cookies for the Bake Sale, bought two beautiful pumpkins and enjoyed the fair.

I figured hey...
This is Mary's last year at this school, we might as well enjoy it!

I made these tags
 and attached one to each paper bag for the Bake Sale.



Mary's Infamous Cookies



I used my mom's recipe....

That she passed up to her mom and then passed down to me.


Hangin with Splash




I have been spending a lot of time at the Hay Center.

This is quickly becoming my most favorite place to be.

I absolutely LOVE the company I've been keeping...
I kinda like the people too!



And Mary is content as well


Speaking of Mary,

Bill and I are at a crossroads with Mary.

Over the past several years basically since she began public school Mary has progressively voiced her displeasure with going to school.

I have had my reservations about the public education system and did my homework when Mary was a baby about the alternatives to public schooling.

Montessori, Waldorf and Homeschooling

Just to name a few.

Now, let me first say that I was brought up in the public school system and I made pretty good grades at least until I became a social butterfly as a teenager.  My feelings are not based on a negative experience of my own nessisarily (well maybe one or two).  I just simply don't agree that teaching all children the same information in the same conformist style works for the best intrest of my child or any other child for that matter.  My child is not a mindless drone who fits perfectly into a neat and tidy box that other people are comfortable with.

My Indigo


Anyway, as I was saying...

Mary's displeasure with going to school...
I know that most kids dislike going to school... and some may say, "tuff, they don't like cleaning thier room or eating vegetables either but that doesn't mean that we as parents shouldn't force them to for their own good, that's our job."

I say... "I don't agree!"
How many parent have rolled their eyes and wondered...

"when will all these questions end?"
I believe most children have an appetite for knowledge.
I know mine does.

Her questions are limitless...
she shows a passion for just about everything she does.
It is absolutely exhausting sometimes.
And it is down right overwhelming when she is board.
No, she isn't ADD or ADHD...
compulsive and impulsive, yes!  She is genetically related to me.
She is an Indigo...
If you do not know what that is... well that is another blog for another day.
But, if ya can't wait ....


She is my daughter and I love her unconditionaly, and I feel as if I haven't enough time in a day to listen to all her questions, theries & stories sometimes.  I imagine only a special kind of teacher can foster a student like Mary, without breaking her spirit or damaging her self-esteem.  They are a rare breed and come far an few between. Thankfully she had one last year!


My first instinct was to homeschool her but as she began to SPEAK...

I thought oh my...
she is a mini-me, there is NO WAY I can homeschool her.  We will kill each other.
However, because she is a mini-me, this is exactly why I had my reservations about sending her to public school.

Bill and I have a conference with her teachers today, to discuss why "they" think Mary is having so much difficulty in the public school setting.  I'm not completly sure why  we are doing this because we have for the most part, made our minds up.

We have decided to pull her from public school and "unschool" her.

http://www.unschooling.com/index.shtml


I am fully aware that people may start wondering...
what is she smoking?

However...

to even my own surprise I can tell you that I haven't
smoked a cigarette or drank anything alcoholic in over 7 years.

It has been even longer since I used any mind altering substance,
I couldn't even tell you...
it's been that long.

Sorry, I cannot say...
"I never inhaled"
or
"I did not have hallucinogenic relations with that mushroom"

But, I am not running for President either.

I just want to become the person God intended me to be and raise my daughter with the same intention.

I was not born to follow the masses to the slaughter.
I use to dance to the beat of my own drum.
I never belonged to a "clique" and if I tried...
it didn't last long.

I wasn't afraid to speak my mind or fight for a cause.

I had passion and purpose.
It is time to plug
back in!

I wanna...
"Be here now"



 FYI...
if ya haven't seen this movie...
Check it out

Ram Dass: Fierce Grace

I fell asleep a while back
and now that I have begun  to awaken...

I have found myself becoming a bit overwhelmed by the speed of which it is happening
and the shock of forgetting in the first place.

And coming back to a place of love and acceptance.



Hmmm?


Uterine leiomyosarcoma


I wonder what this is?

Friday before last, I took my "Baby brother Tall",
Paul
to have some out patient surgery done.
They found something resembling the photo above,
on a groin muscle.

They sent it off for pathology.

If this wasn't enough to shake the ground beneath me...
the fact that he has blown his doctor off and is chasing his 2hrs. with Christ
has brought me to my knees.

Figuratively and literally!

Then there is this sty in my eye...

This picture was taken the day after I took my youngest brother for surgery.
My older, younger brother Michael...
 came to town the same day as Paul's surgery.

No convelesing for Paul... he is out on the town with his big brother.

I love both my brothers!

But, there is this sty in my eye!

Louise says...

I am "Looking at life through angry eyes.  Angry a someone"

Wow...
so pick a number.

She also says...

I need to say an affirmation.

 "I choose to see everyone and everything with joy and love"

I believe she has a point!



Time to Play






One of my new friends of the human kind at the barn has bestowed gifts upon me.

She has given me two nice bags of wool.

One from "Popcorn" her...Rambouillet


and one from "Blackie"
I don't remember what Blackie is.


Kim keeps sheep in Virginia to aid her with her dog training.  She isn't into the fiber.


These are not pictures of my wool, I couldn't take any yet because my little 15lb.  "Homie" cat knocked my camera off the table and is no longer functioning.


So, I have borrowed these photos from my pal Google.
Till I have a replacement camera.


Now I think it is pretty interesting that she gave these bags to me... only a week after I received this used book in the mail, from Amazon.com

Hmmm


Spin It: Making Yarn from Scratch 


I don't believe in coincidence.
I just follow the road signs!

1 comment:

Ginny said...

love you! stay strong mama, xo