Friday, July 26, 2013

Dog Days


I know that I said my blog would be... 

"A positive, creative and intentional journal in my adventures of becoming me."

today's post may be less POSITIVE than I would like.
I wish that I could say that my life was full of wonderful tales with profound insight.

But I would be blowing smoke up your...
bleep #*!

I have allowed some

...back into my home.

You know the expression
When you KNOW better, you DO better.
Not the case.

I know better...

I even have much BETTER alternatives
So WHY do I not DO BETTER?

Because I am
wait for it...

And I am now paying the piper.
I feel awful!
Physically, spiritually and emotionally.

Do I believe that these two villains are to carry the full burden of guilt?
However, these two ring leaders do have quite the following of miscreants.

I wish that I could say that food was the only area in my life that seems unmanageable at the moment.

But alas, that too would be a far cry from the truth.

Our finances are in a scary place.
Which usually leaves me in a place of ultimate FEAR.
A very unpleasant place to be.
And when my spirit is weak... I feel all the more vulnerable.
Creating a domino effect.
I begin doubting myself and the choices I've made.
I question whether or not I should continue to homeschool, have a horse or continue the expense of travel ball.
I inspect the status of my marriage.
I start looking for geographical changes instead of internal ones.
You would think that I knew the drill by now...

I have completely fallen off the wagon of 

My motivation is for... excrement
(I am trying to be polite)

What happened?

When the last of the dishwasher soap ran out...
Bill ran to the store.
And that was 3 months ago...
he has been back a few more times since then.

The same goes for my homemade


Even though I haven't run out of my
Almost All Purpose Cleaner

... I did make an impulse buy.

I don't feel as guilt about this one as maybe some of the other slips I have made.
But the fact that I am not making my
Homemade Products
leaves me feeling less than authentic and falling short from where I want to be.
When I am in my "dis-ease" it is easy for me to focus on the dark, unpleasant and the negative.
Which reminds me why, the positive spin on this blog.

Not because my life should be blissful and calm to be note worthy.
Or that I should be ashamed when my life is full of hardship.
My choice to focus on the positive is to remember that I am not alone in this journey...
and at any given time I can slip.
And if I focus on where I am going instead of where I have been it is less likely that I will stumble.

The reality is ...
I am where I am at this very moment!

Damn it, I have rings on my arss from sitting on this pitty pot for so long.
I wanna get up!
I may not always like who or where I am
but it is in my resistance that I encounter my struggle.

I must let go and accept ALL of who I am.
I am coming to realize that beauty is not only in the mature blossom
but all stages...
even as the petals begin to fall.

There is MUCH to be grateful for in my life.

I have a beautiful new niece,

I have an incredible daughter!

A hard working husband!
who may need a little more beauty sleep?

I also have a one of a kind...
in my backyard.
A creation of  Bill's...
it may have been more impressive
 if I could have given you an aerial perspective.
It is a spiral path of beans.
Bill is SO proud!

I have an abundant supply of 

just waiting for my motivation to return.

And it will!
am absolutely SURE of it.

On a final note...
along with the many other geographical cures I dream of taking,
is one of the destinations I would like to be, at this very moment.

one of my all time favorites are there
A band my sister turned me on to...
Blitzen Trapper- Fur
and Mary's favorite...

Mary is going to flip when she finds out that Delta Rae is at Floyd Fest and we are not!

Here is another new found interest of mine as well.
And they are all at Floyd Fest!

Rising Appalachia

Maybe next year!

1 comment:

Susan said...

Well, I think you have come full circle in your post. Keep on keeping on, it will all come around. I have been in the slump lately too, in a lot of ways. I'm still waiting for the motivation, so I will join you on the uphill train, it has to be getting here sooner or later!!